Thus Far

Some things, as some believed, are better left unsaid.

And I say, it is good that some things are not etched on your brain for like, forever. It is sometimes good that you forget certain things. Especially things that you do want them to wash away together with the time, like the stain on your shirt washed away after spinning in the washing machine.

It is unfortunate that we tend to remember things we do not want to, and forget things we want to remember of.

I do not anticipate public holidays and weekends because they make me think of things that I wish I do not remember. Works put wonders away. Works put undesired reminiscings away.

Thus far, I enjoy my internee life. I spend less time scrambling my archives involuntarily, smiling over the past, mourning over the future. All I want is to just live the present, enjoy every irreversible second doing things that I have always wanted to.

I want to forget a few things that I cannot get rid of. Because it makes the little heart rots, stinks like it has been wrapped in a plastic bag of expired red beans with worms all over it.

So what do I do? I keep myself busy. I am more than happy to spend most of my time at the office and as little time as possible at my rented room. Literally dealing with the past on a daily basis in the present is yet another thing to be handled. It is like running in circle – to just meet the same point all over again. It is just whether I will fall for the same acts or I improvise. Time will tell.


Balls In The Mouth

Few weeks ago, I decided to take a break from chirping. When asked why, I would just reply “going out, looking for some peace.” True, what? You all should try quitting your drugs lah; Facebook, Twitter, Instagram all that and feel the solace.

I quit FB long time ago. Because I was fed up with buggers whose their head were always in my kain pelikat. To say I quit Twitter because I took an arrow in my knee, that is some bullshit I can sell you all but no I do not.

Until few days ago, one friend said, “loser sia. Everytime got problem, always escape. Deactivate this, deactivate that. Quit this, quit that.” A bitter fact that I have to actually agree with. Because I am a gentleman liddat. But gentleman with no balls to get through problems like the little friend said lah. Got balls actually but kinda putting them in the mouth and sucking them like Dequadin lozenges.

I ignored him because I did not quit chirping because I ran from problems though I did quit from a post last February because I could not handle the problems that we faced at the time. There was just something that kept bugging me and after months of struggle, I said “heck. I am out. Looking for peace.”

And so did I. I found what I looked for. I was happy. It felt great. Until the same things kinda got to Whatsapp. Mind-boggling meh? It was just some pics lah, and status,  to make things understandable for you. So I asked myself, “where now? Where to run?”

If I keep running like this ah, then later how? Everytime got things I dislike, must run away ah? Why not face it one to one like a male grizzly bear does when it comes to mating season? Like how Patrick Teoh decided to stay instead of emigrating when got so many unpleasure things he was not satisfied with, to contribute and help make things better? To make the country better?

Sometimes it takes simple, minor things to shake our head, kick our ass and poke our eyes hard to take us back onto the seat and think rationally. A bit lah, if not that many. And repetitive. Like collapsing roofs. Happens once, okay lah. Isolated case only. Later got another one. Then we go “aiya. Another roof ah? How come?” wait until we get another roof collapsing, and another, and another….. Only then we feel like the walls have collapsed on our head and finally realize something needs to be done. And we start pointing fingers…..

Sounds childish? Get a mirror, see at your big nostrils lah. After clash, go ranting at Facebook. Go tweeting, unleashing your anger like your brain got a screw missing. Go GooglePlus-ing, put up a 800-word long status bellyaching things your ex had done to you. Wait. Got people use Google+ meh? (I do. So what?)

We all have that little things that will trigger our immature behaviours. Like soft spots lah. Everyone has ten to be least.

And so I come up with near-mid-year resolution although I never made one even on new year to show how serious I am about this. Resolution is a big deal what? Thinking of one is a pupil-dilating task, you know? For me lah to be least. Think of one first, later only lah think of how to accomplish it. Truly a Malaysian isn’t it? Get the systems work first only then think and see what are the benefits and disbenefits. Drain people’s money first only then think how effective the systems are, if any.

If like this, until I go down 6 feet below the ground, I am still a so called gentleman with balls in the mouth.

I am getting things done.

“One Should Learn to Be Alone”

A legendary Russian filmmaker and writer once was asked what would he tell the youngsters and he said,

I don’t know… I think I’d like to say only that they should learn to be alone and try to spend as much time as possible by themselves. I think one of the faults of young people today is that they try to come together around events that are noisy, almost aggressive at times. This desire to be together in order to not feel alone is an unfortunate symptom, in my opinion. Every person needs to learn from childhood how to be spend time with oneself. That doesn’t mean he should be lonely, but that he shouldn’t grow bored with himself because people who grow bored in their own company seem to me in danger, from a self-esteem point of view.

-brain pickings

Being alone does not necessarily mean you are no one to everyone else. It is one way of valuing yourself; do you hurt someone by your words? Do you actually value people as much as they deserve it? Do you intentionally let an opportunity slips away because you want to stay in your comfort zone?

If you cannot even go out for your lunch alone, what that makes of you?

I spend quite some time being alone. There are a lot of things going in the mind in which some of them can sometimes give my the Collywobbles. But it is good in certain ways. It is more or less like self-reflection.

There is one specific time when men like to be alone though; when doing handjob.

The point is, learn to be alone. I believe that everyone is for himself. I might not live long enough to be qualified to preach you but I have gone through many experiences to believe that. At least I choose to believe something. Do you?

Twenty twelve and some stories

7 days to the doomsday. Who gives an F? The Mayans? You? Not me, certainly.

So, as typical as any blogger in any nook at any part of the world, I typed myself a closing note for the year. So it would later be a good reminder to future-me how cocky I was when I was already 21, or how thoughtful I was when I aged 21. Or if the Mayans were true, I wouldn’t even have a tiny chance to be reading this again in the future.

I had a wheel-like life. Everyone does, anyway. I am more than certain that I hadn’t typed the same thing in the previous years. But let say I had had this same thing in any of my long-deceased blogs, heck. Just pretend that I hadn’t, would you? Okay? Okay.

The year 2012 spelled me bad. I was gone from bad to worse in financial management. Okay next.

I have a best friend. We met when we were classmate in 2005. The best of the best, no kidding. Someone who I value more than a pirated app. This sounds shitty and childish. I don’t give a cent. Making the introduction short, she was the one who made me realized how important it was to support originality. And other people’s hard work. So I worked my wallet out to buy albums, and bought apps for my phones and laptop. Heck. They deserve our money more than the pirates, you bloody cute asses. I started spending on apps when I started to use iPod Touch somewhere in November last year but became 100% committed 3 months later.

I was introduced to open source thingy when I took C Programming course back in 2010. It was the first time I heard of Ubuntu, Linux et al. So I dug more and more open source software. I tried hard to opt for open source software or else, I’ll just…. Well, pay for premium stuff. I might make myself sound like a bloody fool to anyone whom on the same ship as the pirates but it is a great pleasure to have this feeling; I am giving my money to the right devs.

Christians or not, Jews or not, Muslim or not, I don’t judge. An effort is still an effort. An investment is still an investment. And an appreciation still remains as an appreciation. Write yourself  a hang-self-to-death note if you believe a Christian dev doesn’t deserve your money like a Muslim dev does.

It has been months since I bought myself physical novels. Because I thought I can survive on ebooks. Lasted not more than 3 months. I have quite a number of ebooks left unread to date. I thought I need to start going to bookstores. But I’m broke. So I ended up not going, and left with those unread ebooks on the virtual bookshelf. And another two reasons; can’t go out and no nearby bookstores – added to my “show cause letter” why I didn’t buy myself any book.

If there is anything left unsaid, that would be how fail I am in leadership. Big time sucker. I didn’t have much to be proud of during my reign in that little student society. I proved myself that talking is easier than doing. Would that count as an unlocked achievement?

I quoted this from an article at,

man and his thoughts about himself, are nothing more than a movable, changeable alphabet

Well, here is my words of wisdom to pair with the above quote,

woman and her thoughts about herself, are nothing more than backspace-able typed words on a keyboard

I am a man. And will always be. I carry balls ever since I was born. And I will, until I am dead.



And so I’ve started to write at a Malaysian-based globally recognized opinionated site, Unity Bond. Whether you give a damn or not, I don’t even give a damn. But I do give a damn to myself because it has been a very long time since I last wrote seriously. One year? Two years? Welcome back, self.

I have one more commitment to concentrate on. Since the site is not comment-able, I welcome any feedback be it at Twitter or here in my blog.

1 and a half months to go before the year 2012 ends. And I’m short of $10 iTunes credit to complete my 2012 albums collection.

1 and a half months to go before the year 2012 ends. And I’m short of RMxxx to complete my never ending wishlist. God knows why.

Up next in the upcoming post, some reviews introduction to a few underrated newly self-discovered artists who deserve at least a recognition from an Asian who they don’t even know do exist on this small planet called the Earth. Don’t worry. The Mayans were wrong. The world isn’t coming to the end this December. They postponed the date to 2014, remember? So take a breath and say “Yes! I still have time and 2013 budget to spend on these artists!”

6-week worth of experience

Just ended my pre-internship. Not a big deal as compared to the real upcoming internship next year. But it was a great exposure and worthy experience. It was supposed to be 2 months, but then things weren’t really going as planned and I have to cut it to only 6 weeks.

Speaking in the aspect of language, I would say doing an internship at a company dominated 100% by Malays aren’t going to help you much. And it got worse when all discussions and conversations happened in local dialect. Not a single English word used unless you are talking about certain technical terms or reading an English newspaper.

Experience-wise, it was still great. It came to a point when I realized there was a day and night difference between what I learnt at the campus with what knowledge did the real-working life demanded. Graduate with a CGPA of 2.99? No worry. You still stand a chance to be employed by a good employer. Of course there are also still many other aspects to be considered. But heck yeah, don’t feel too worry about that.

I did my pre-internship at a consulting engineers company. I was given a task to complete a bill quantity (BQ) for a service apartment project and did tender and technical data comparisons for five electrical and mechanical services. Dealt with lot of numbers and technical terms and here came a major problem; for a fresh trainee with zero technical knowledge and unrelated theoretical campus-brand knowledge, in which I could hardly remember quarter of what I had learnt for 5 semesters in electrical and electronic engineering – suiting self well in any discussions and meetings.

No they neither give me a 10-inch thick reference book nor specific links to study all the terms and all the short-forms used in the company and any documents. Adapt fast, do own researches, keep asking and be efficient. Or else you’ll have your boss standing at your desk, tapping the desk, scolding you for being late and slow in completing your task.

I had a pretty rough relationship with the electrical principal of the company. But lucky enough that I had a good time with the Chief Operating of the Office (COO). At times yes I did get scolded but he just knew to use the right tune in the right circumstance. Regardless of the relationships, both of them still provided bunch of advices and revealed what they actually demanded from trainees.

If you think you can survive throughout the period by being good with the bosses; you are wrong. I would say that I knew more about the company; be it the history or the real individual relationships and behaviours – from the staff. Go to hell with the organizational chart. Get well with all people. Be it with the cleaner, the draftman, the office boy or the clerk. Each of them play their own part to complete the puzzle in your mind.

I was bad at Calculus. And I was grateful that I just need basic primary maths knowledge to do the required calculations. Aside from understanding the technical terms used, another problem I had at the company was to translate Malay technical terms as used in JKR’s material schedule into English terms. Not even Google Translate can help, if you are about to suggest that.

And one important thing that almost every staff including the staff from the neighbouring company told me was, you HAVE TO KNOW how to use AutoCAD. It is pretty unfortunate that EE course in UTP has not included AutoCAD as part of our courses. It is one essential add-value for EE engineering graduates, especially when you want to work at a consulting engineers company.

When you are confronting your bosses on certain issues, make sure you are solution-driven and not problem-driven. The employers expect you to come with your own opinions and sayings. They might sound stupid but hey, you are trainees and you are pretty much as dumb as a newly-born babies. Effort. That’s what the employers are looking into you.

Ask questions. This is one thing that every single lecturer that you have ever met in your life will tell you in almost every class you go. And yes, the employers want you to ask questions not just sitting at your desk, blinking your eyes, staring at the desk, clicking on reply button on Twitter and send button on Facebook. In every opportunity you have whenever you step out of meetings and discussions, ask them questions to clarify your understanding. They aren’t going to go to your table, pat on your shoulder and ask you what you want to know more. If you do expect them to spoon-feed you, then you have to restart your tertiary education from the very first semester.

Most of the things I mentioned are actually the same things that you have heard and knew all these while. But most of us tend to ignore and mark them as less important. At the campus, we are already exposed to such things. What real-working life demands can be different from what you learn throughout your study but without those basics and foundations, you can’t build an understanding on what you are going to perceive and learn when you start to work. I did mention there was a day and night difference but I didn’t mention they were useless. Both are inter-related.